I am a go-getter. I'm not scared to go for what I want, even if it's an unusual or unrealistic goal. I know exactly how I want to go about things and I do them.
But it takes a LOT of negotiating with myself first.
I've never been diagnosed with anxiety and I don't have regular panic attacks, but I know they affect a lot of young people today. So many of my friends have trouble with them. With the pressures of social media and celebrity culture on the rise, it becomes increasingly difficult to feel validated and like you're good enough to do the things you want to do, and believe that people will only think good things about you. The prospect of being judged harshly is intensely feared in our society, and without our Instagram filters hiding our flaws in our day to day life, things can get tough.
Personally, I worry about absolutely everything if it's new to me. I don't want to say I have anxiety as I've never been diagnosed, and I'm sure there are people that go through a lot worse than I do, but I do stress about unnecessary situations like getting on the underground or going anywhere on my own. I know it shouldn't take as much guts as it takes me to get the bus into town.
In the music industry, a tough skin is a necessity. There are certain parts of each avenue I pursue that I've learnt to deal with, and certain parts I've yet to crack. I've had a YouTube channel for years, and showcasing my singing on there whilst I was still learning my craft left me vulnerable to nasty comments. I've been fairly lucky-most people are nice, or offer genuine feedback, but the occasional troll pops up. The thing is, now I know that will happen no matter how well I'm doing. Even the best singers in the world get troll comments, whether it be because people want to have a joke at the expense of an artist (lowest of the low, but it happens all too often) or because it makes them feel better about themselves. This is why I was scared of YouTube initially-but now I can cope with it and it's worth the risk. As long as I'm happy with my videos, who cares? I sing first and foremost because I love it. I don't care if you don't. (Tip for newbie youtubers-if they've commented, you've made an impact. That's the most important thing)
I can sing around people, day to day, with ease. Ask me for a song and I'll grab the opportunity. I've learnt a lot, and singing is my thing, why wouldn't I showcase it? Yet when I first had a singing lesson, my teacher asked me to sing and nothing came out. Not a sound. I couldn't sing a scale alongside a piano even though I was paying for the privilege! She had to sing with me to get me started. Now, you can't shut me up.
One thing I don't understand is gigging. Booking a gig feels awesome. The applause and adrenaline rush that follows a performance is addictive and it's something I've been doing since I was tiny. I've been paid for gigs before, and plenty of practicing musicians do all the time-so what's stopping me from picking up the phone and ringing some venues?
Stupid, irrelevant, feelings. Situations I've made up in my own head. Or, truthfully, no specific situations, just a fear based on nothing. I don't believe that I would get tomatoes thrown at me if I was singing, or that I'd, you know, die on stage or something dire. I'm scared of what people (drunken people, usually) would say or think. I'm so scared of seeming underwhelming or not up to par I can't even get there. I know that somewhere along, these comments will arise (just like they did with YouTube) and they will still mean ZILCH. Just because someone doesn't like my performance, doesn't mean I'm not technically a good singer (I've got exam certificates to prove that) and it doesn't make much of a difference to my future, unless I choose it. If you let fear and other people get in the way of what you want, ultimately that's your choice. You can take irrelevant things to heart or you can laugh, shrug it off, and keep going. I know which of those I want to do. (Easier said than done though, I know.)
So my tip for anyone panicking (in the music industry or not) is to take baby steps. Something disgustingly scary can become just another part of your day. Just like you learnt to walk, and read, and be who you are-you can't get anywhere if you don't start. Let's do it together! I've just been invited to an open mic night next week on Facebook. It's not a 2 hour long paid gig, but hey. Baby steps.
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